2011

Hi everyone, (a very belated) happy new year!

Much too overdue, but I guess I should use this time to reflect on the past year, yknow to reminisce, register lessons learnt, appreciate etc.

So, 2011 was an amazing year for me- tremendous amounts of ups and downs, lefts and rights.

I don't think I was ever alone in 2011, I always had a clique I hung out with, I always had a guy to rely on, and a family to be my ever-ready pillar of support. Upon reflection, contrary to what I thought, I realise how dependent I am on people. I've never been able to confide in people, be it about my problems and whatnot. I babble on and on about my day-to-day life in the most shallow of ways, I laugh, rant and cry in front of friends- but I've never been able to truly trust and confide in anyone. So I guess, the methods in which I depend on others is how I use their laughter, and their presence to forget about my own problems. I guess.. As what someone duly pointed out, all I know is to run away from my fears and problems.

In 2011, I met so many people that I now love and cherish so, so much.

I dated 3. Like, the more serious kind haha.

The first made me understand the importance of being self-loving. The 3 months was not a bad experience, but I walked out of that as a stronger, and very much different person than before. I don't quite know how to put it into words, but I guess I got out of that relationship feeling the need to put up walls to protect myself. I realised that, honestly, the only person who will never hurt you is you.

The second one was kinda the most boyfriend-ish guy I went out with. It was as different as could be compared to the first one. He was safe, real, and everything else that comes along within the relationship-package, just that we were never really officially together. I guess, I just didn't love him enough, a relationship will only ever work well when the 2 people involved are truly into each other. With him, I felt so loved. I learnt that I really really really have to grow up, learn to be sensitive to others and not only think about myself all the time. It was ridiculously self-centered of me.

And the third :-)

He's my first boyfriend. (And hopefully the last one?)

We met in December, and things just slowly shifted into place after. I was quite scared, I didn't know what he was thinking and what was about to happen. I was frightened of the commitment, the thought of being hurt and all. I was afraid of not being good enough. I was discouraged by our circumstance. Because, by some cruel twist of fate, the first relationship I step into, the guy doesn't live in singapore but in London. Yep.. But all's well and I'm feeling extremely fortunate. I am so clear about what I like about him, which is a first for me, this time I didn't just blindly step into something simply out of infatuation. And miraculously, he feels for me as well, so. -does happy dance-

(I know I've never been able to say this but..)

I am so happy that I met you, and I thank God that we managed to work things out before you left.

Hopefully everything'll pan out right and we'll be together soon. I know its a bit too soon, and I mentioned that I'd only say it quite a long while later, but I kinda love you already.

I reflected quite a bit throughout the last month of 2011, and I realised so much.

I am affected by events of the past to such a large extent, I think its unhealthy.. I am going to let go of the past and start living in the present from now on. Can that be counted as a new year resolution?

And... I wanna appreciate every single person who is, or was, in my life.

Thank you for being in my life. Thank you for bringing me so much joy and laughter. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for tolerating my nonsense on a regular basis. Thank you for telling me off when I do stupid things, which is.. Quite often.

Wow, a very badly structured few paragraphs.. But owell.

Happy belated new year everyone. May 2012 be an even more amazing year for us all.